Nothing to Fix
Untangling from the deceptive dramas of the conceptual mind.
My mind turns me into a compulsive fixer.
Every aspect of myself is a problem to be solved. A crinkle to be straightened. An ailment to be treated.
As a result, I am constantly busy. Building, adjusting, moving, shaping and tinkering. And it all feels so important. So necessary. Every thought, pivotal. Like my life depends on it.
Obviously, this isn’t the case…
But understanding the nature of thought conceptually is not enough to see through the self-deceptive tricks of the mind—this sort of knowing is just another set of thoughts! What a masterful maze the mind creates!
All I can do is move carefully and patiently with the patterns of thinking. Be with the thoughts fully, but not identify as them. Give total unconditional observation without attachment.
When my devotion to truthful observation is strong enough to see my patterns of thought clearly, honestly and fully as they are—without judgment, without a will to change, or without expectation of what I might find—then I realise their nature. Slowly the thoughts begin to unravel and pass by, making way for an energetic stillness.
In this stillness, all is well. Happiness is here. Peace is present.
The trap I kept falling into for the longest time was thinking that stillness, happiness, and peace were things that I could intentionally reach for.
I would sit on a mat trying to quieten my mind intentionally. I would deliberately perform activities that I thought would bring me happiness. I would seek solitude to find peace and tranquillity.
It takes a lot of strength and courage to clearly see that these paths go nowhere.
Fortunately, with some luck, guidance and a devotion to understanding, it became clear that I was living in a sort of Reaching Olympics—a fiesta of finely crafted games for keeping me firmly occupied and identified with my thoughts. Self-administered sleeping pills to stop seeing what was right in front of me the whole time.
If I’m honest, I’m still tightly tangled in the dreamscape of my conceptual mind. Enough of the chicanery has been revealed, however, that it is becoming harder and more effortful to maintain the mirages and easier to see through them.
To see that there is nothing to reach for.
To see that there is nothing to fix.
To see that all is well as it is.